Category: Uncategorized

In Which I Shamelessly Beg For Money

So, fun fact: on Monday, I got a call from my supervisor stating that I was going to be on furlough until the end of the month. Then I got called into a Skype meeting today saying that a bunch of us are now on furlough indefinitely.

Basically, this means that as of today, I’m basically laid off for the foreseeable future. This is because a bunch of my company’s clients have all but shut down, so there just isn’t any work available.

I did apply for unemployment, but that might take a while to get through and there is a possibility that my application could be rejected. So, this blog, which was previously just a side hustle, is now basically my main hustle.

To that end, I am now pushing my Patreon and Ko-Fi sites a bit more vigorously. If you are able to donate, please click the links below, as it would go a long way to help me out.

Patreon

Ko-Fi

PayPal

In the meantime, I offer you a Wesley in these trying times.

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Mythology Mondy: Zeus Turns Into A Bull To Get His Dick Wet

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So, there are a handful of Greek myths where Zeus turns himself into an animal to get with some lady. This is one of them

So we start out with this Phoenician princess named Europa. Now Europa is super, super gorgeous, and one day she attracts the notice of Zeus while she’s chilling on a beach somwhere. Since Zeus’s main defining feature is a chronic inability to keep it in his pants, he decides that he really needs to bone down with her.

Zeus then comes up with a cunning plan. A cunning plan that involves turning himself into a white bull.

He then goes and hangs out in Europa’s dad’s herd for a while, and then just kinda waits. Eventually, Europa comes by and sees the Zeus-bull, and then thinks it might be a good idea to ride it. Not, you know, sexually, but like you’d ride a horse.

So she jumps on the bull’s back, and the bull carries her off to Crete, where he reveals himself as Zeus. He then sets about seducing her. I use the term seduce very, very loosely here, because Zeus isn’t really known for taking no for an answer. Either way, Europa has three kids by him: Minos, whose wife would go on to fuck her own bull; Rhadamanthys, who becomes a judge in the underworld, and the warrior Sarpedon.

Zeus then leaves her with three gifts: a super-rad javelin, a bronze bodyguard, and a dog. Europa would eventually go on to marry the Cretan king Asterius, who adopted her three demigod kids as his own. So things ended up pretty well for her, which is a nice change of pace from how most of Zeus’s flings go.

Side note, I find Zeus turning into a bull to seduce Minos’s mom pretty funny, considering what Minos’s own wife would eventually do.

Mythology Monday: The Curse Of Macha

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We’re back in Ireland, though I’m taking a bit of a detour from the Ulster Cycle for a story that really isn’t part of said cycle, but is tangentially related.

So, to start off, we have this farmer from Ulster named Crunden. Crunden’s wife died, leaving him with three small children to raise, a farm to run, and a household to take care of. Now, with the first two taking up most of his attention, the latter kinda falls by the wayside a bit.

The house is a mess, is what I’m saying.

Which makes it really, really surprising when Crunden gets home from the fields one day to find the house miraculously clean, with a random lady cooking supper.

“Hi,” she says. “I’m Macha, and I’m your new wife.”

Crunden, apparently not finding anything about this weird or off-outting, says, “OK,” and the two go on their merry way.

Now, it should be noted that Macha is clearly not human. In fact, she’s from the otherworld, which is where all the gods and the sidhe live. This is indicated by the fact that she runs really, really, ridiculously fast.

Anyway, things are going pretty well, at least up until the king, Connor, gets himself some new chariot horses and decides to throw a huge party for this. Everyone, including Crunden, is invited.

It should also be noted at this point that Macha is super, super pregnant. As in about-to-give-birth-at-any-moment preggers. So she takes her husband aside before the party and warns him not to brag her up, or bad shit will happen. He assures her that he won’t, and heads off to party down.

Crunden manages to keep his promise in the face of all the other dudes their bragging about their wives, but then the king says that his horses are the fastest things alive.

Crunden says, “Oh, yeah? Bet my wife can outrun your horses.”

The king does not take to kindly to this boast, and has a couple of his guards bring Macha by so her husband can put his money where his mouth is. Macha, desperately, tries to get the king to realize that maybe forcing a heavily pregnant woman to run a race is a terrible idea. When this doesn’t work, she tries to appeal to his cadre of warriors, but they want to see where this is going too.

So, with no other choice, the race is on. Surprise, surprise, Macha goes into labor during the race, which she wins. Right on the finish line, she then gives birth to stillborn twins.

Understandably upset by this turn of events, she scoops up her dead babies and lays a curse on the men of Ulster. Basically, from now until the end of time, they’ll experience labor pains at the time they need their strenght the most. She then runs off, never to be seen again.

The fortress is then named Emain Macha, or “Macha’s twins.”

And the moral of the story is Jesus Christ don’t force pregnant women to race horses.

Mythology Monday: Medusa Gets Royally Shafted And Then Dies

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(Content warning; this post contains discussion of sexual assault.)

So, Medusa. Most people know the basics of her story: lady with snakes for hair, turned men to stone with a glance. Which, you know, goals.

What’s interesting about Medusa is that her origin is different depending on which version you hear. In the original, Medusa and her sisters Stheno and Euryale were always monsters: specifically, gorgons.

The Roman poet Ovid, however, changed things up a little bit. So, because that version is more interesting to me (if also kinda infuriating), that’s the one I’m going to be talking about today.

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