We’re heading back to ancient Egypt this week, where I shall regale you with one of the sillier tales. Or, at the very least, it seems silly to us today. Oh, and a quick warning before we go: this particular yarn is very much not safe for work.
So, if you recall the last post I wrote regarding Egyptian mythology, Set and Osiris really didn’t like each other, as evidenced by Set killing Osiris. This enmity ended up being passed down to Osiris and Isis’s son, Horus.
Now, Set really, really, hates Horus. He hates Horus so much that he wants to fuck him. I would think killing him would be more effective, but hey, whatever floats your boat. Though I probably should add some more context here.
Egypt, back in the day, had kind of a weird outlook on homosexuality. Dudes banging other dudes wasn’t really frowned up per se, and guys would often talk about which other guy they did that weekend. However, being the receptive partner was thought to be humiliating, since it made one womanly. Of course, that was only if the semen actually got inside the body, so I guess pulling out was on option.
Anyway, Set goes up to Horus and is like, “Hey, nephew, wanna bang?” And Horus, suspecting that this is likely to be a trap somehow but apparently really, really horny that day, is like, “OK, sure.”
So they’re doing it, and just as Set is about to ejaculate, Horus somehow manages to catch Set’s baby batter before it can enter his bunghole without Set noticing. He then throws the sperm into the nearby Nile and starts planning his revenge.
Here it’s really important to note that Set really, really likes lettuce. He is a total salad fiend. And I think you can probably guess what happens next: Horus jerks it into a head of iceberg and hands it to Set. Who promptly devours the whole thing.
Horus is like, “Hey, Set. Guess what? You just ate my jizz.”
Set calls bullshit on this, and decides to bring the matter before the gods. He starts bragging about how much he came into Horus’s ass, and Horus tells him to call out to his man juice and see where it is. So he does, and of course it calls back from the river.
Horus then does the same thing for his splooge, which of course responds from Set’s stomach. And thus it was determined by the gods that Set was the one thoroughly owned in this situation. By Horus’s semen.