So, for this week we’re going back to Ancient Egypt, where I shall weave you a tale of wedding tackle made of gold.
Well, not just that, but that’s probably the most amusing bit to this tale, though I’m sure the ancient Egyptians might disagree with me on that one.
Our tale begins with Osiris, who took over as pharaoh after Ra stepped down. Things are going pretty well: he’s married to his lovely sister Isis (remember, for gods that’s OK), he gets to rule over a wonderfully bountiful nation, that’s all pretty sweet.
At least, up until Osiris’s brother, Set, gets a bug up his butt about something and decides murdering Osiris is the way to fix that. Now, the cause of Set’s ass-bug varies depends on who you ask: one version has Set upset because Osiris kicked him, another because Osiris banged his wife Nephthys, and yet another where Set wants to bang Isis and kills Osiris out of jealousy. It’s just a huge mess.
For whatever reason, Set proceeds to invite Osiris to a feast, where he presents a roughly person-(or god-) sized box. But it’s not just any box, this box is all bedazzled, and super super gorgeous. He then declares that anyone who fits inside the box gets to keep it.
So Osiris, thinking that this couldn’t possibly be a trap, just jumps right in. And because of course it’s a fucking trap Set proceeds to seal him inside the box, which he then promptly throws into the Nile.
Side note: this is why the ancient Egyptians buried their dead in sarcophogi.
Anyway, the now full-of-deity box floats down the Nile until it ends up under a tree in Byblos, in Phoenicia. There he dies, and the tree grows around his corpse, which then ends up stuck in the tree.
The local king, thinking, “Hey, that tree would make a really awesome decoration for my palace,” has the tree cut down and made into a column.
In the meantime, Isis has been going about, looking for her husband, when she comes across the king. Disguising herself as an old woman, she ends up becoming a live-in nanny for the king’s kids. Eventually, after saving the life of one of said kids, she reveals herself and asks for the column containing her husband’s dead body. Out of gratitude (and also because it’s a really, really bad idea to piss of the gods) he gives it to her, and she goes on her way.
She manages to resurrect Osiris, and the two boink which results in her becoming pregnant with their son Horus. Things seem to be getting back on track, except Set is not very happy that his little murder plot didn’t bear fruit and decides to make sure the job’s done right this time. By which I mean he dismembers Osiris, and scatters all his bits around, thus ensuring he doesn’t get a proper burial.
Isis isn’t too discouraged, however, and sets about gathering all her husband’s parts to try and put him back together again. She’s mostly successful, but unfortunately ends up missing one rather crucial part: his wedding tackle, which was eaten by a fish. Not to worry, though, because she manages to build him a schlong of gold, then resurrects him again.
However, Ra sees this and is like, “Nope, that’s not his original penis, so he’s still incomplete. Therefore he doesn’t get to rule over the living anymore. Because I said so.” So Osiris ends up becoming the god of the underworld.
All because of an arbitrary rule regarding his dong.
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