Mythology Monday-The Absolutely Insane Origins Of The Minotaur

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Most people know what the Minotaur is: giant half-man half-bull creature, lived in a labyrinth, was eventually killed by Theseus. That’s not the story I want to talk about today, however. No, I want to talk about how the Minotaur came to be in the first place.

Strap in, folks, ‘cause this is gonna be a trip.

We start with Minos, newly ascended to the throne of Crete, deciding to pray to Poseidon to give a sign that the deity supports him as king. Poseidon obliges, by sending him a completely white bull. However, there’s a catch: Minos gets to keep said bull for a year, but then has to sacrifice it.

Now, this bull is absolutely gorgeous. It’s like the Chris Evans of bulls. Minos, in fact, decides not to sacrifice it and switches it out for another bull thinking that Poseidon wouldn’t notice.

Spoiler alert: Poseidon is a fucking god, so of course he notices. And since Greek deities are petty as fuck, decides to punish Minos in the most hilarious manner he can think of.

He strikes Minos’s wife, Pasiphäe, with an insatiable thirst for bull dick. Specifically, the bull that Minos refused to sacrifice.

Now, since bull penises aren’t really designed to go into people vaginas, Pasiphäe decides to go to the master craftsman Daedalus. I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Pasiphäe: Hey, Daedalus, I really want to fuck that bull Poseidon lent my husband. Make that happen.

Daedalus: That’s a terrible idea.

Pasiphäe: OK, so how about this: I’m the queen and if you don’t help me out with this I’ll have you executed.

Daedalus: …One bovine marital aid coming up.

So Daedalus builds a hollow wooden cow, which is then placed in the field where the bull’s been hanging out. Pasiphäe then gets inside the bull in the appropriate position, and waits.

Eventually the bull comes across the wooden cow containing the queen, and does what comes naturally to it. Of course, this knocks the queen up, and she gives birth to a flesh-eating monstrosity with the body of a man and the head of a bull. While I’m sure the queen was glad it wasn’t the other way around. that was probably still really uncomfortable.

Minos, noticing that the kid his wife just birthed looks nothing like him, is understandably rather upset. This, plus the fact that the baby consumes human flesh for sustenance, goes back to our boy Daedalus and has him build a giant labyrinth to throw the baby into. Said baby grows into the Minotaur, and he lives in the labyrinth up until his half-sister Ariadne and Theseus conspire to kill him.

And the moral of the story is if a god tells you to kill a bull, you best kill that bull, or your wife will fuck it.

(Have an idea for a myth or mythological figure you’d like to see me discusss? Email me at kittykatie2017(at)gmail.com! Also, if you want to support this whole thing monetarily, I have a Patreon, where folks can pledge $5/per post and up to suggest a blog topic. If one-time donations are more your speed, I also have a Ko-Fi and a PayPal. Otherwise, subscribe, like, and share these posts around. That helps me out a lot too. Thanks all!)

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